One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
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I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.