95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
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[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road