Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Proctology is located in A55
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good