My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
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I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.