My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
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boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.