we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
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“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
My love language is deader than Latin
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Someone just threatened to call me later
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits