murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
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told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Still my favorite headline of all time:
i hate you platonically
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.