Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
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Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I’m already scared
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
I love you…
…r dog.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.