[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
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Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
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Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.