Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
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my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
This made me chuckle cuz mood
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies