It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
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I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
Dammit Chief not again
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt