You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
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i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets