AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
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The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.