Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
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It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”