robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
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Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay