When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
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Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height