When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
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The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
do u think theres a butter planet?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus