M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
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Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*