I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
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I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Happy Taco Tuesday
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
My new favorite headline
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.