People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
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Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
wishing you and yours all the best
Fluff me with a fork baby
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Waiting for the Charmin