Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Merica.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.