I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
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[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
“Ramen”. – Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*