Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
You Might Also Like
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere