Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
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Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
This kid is a star!