Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
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My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?