It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
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Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
*bites zombie*
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.