me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
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“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My hips? Compulsive liars.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
I have never related to a cat more
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Lmao 🤣
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”