COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
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“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
knights of the ikea table
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.