911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
You Might Also Like
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Note to self: always read the final line
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
The morning after pill, but for tweets
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.