5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
You Might Also Like
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping