I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
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Very problematic
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
My whole life was a lie.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift