If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
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Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Why font matters.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
I didn’t realize that was an option
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
My Sentiments Exactly