Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
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a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own