[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
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Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day