Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Noted.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.