[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
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Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Ummm
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school