*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
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read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*