Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
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Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Love this guy
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”