A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
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Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye