I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
🤣😈🤣
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Meanwhile in Canada…
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!