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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
KID: I don鈥檛 need a coat
ME: baby, it鈥檚 cold outside
KID: I don鈥檛 think it鈥檚 cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it鈥檚 cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let鈥檚 just go
KID: daddy it鈥檚 cold outside
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it鈥檚 like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 馃馃
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 馃槈
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
70% of the Earth鈥檚 surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists