angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
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You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.