you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
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If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.