There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Um … Hot Wings please
No laws when master is gone
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro