‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
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EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
This squirrel eats better than I do
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
There’s never enough good news
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
let’s discuss
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.