Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
You Might Also Like
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field