Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
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Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Good Morning.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.