Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
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Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.