[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
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Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths