Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
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[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it